When Rachel died at 23, , one of the last things, she was able to communicate to myself and her dad was that she’d be really keen on keeping traveling Today we’re continuing Becky’s story and hearing more about how she took her daughter’s ashes around the world. Hello, hello, I’m in your head About a year and a half after she died and life, my grief seemed to be getting worse, not better. I decided to take a leave from my teaching job, unpaid leave. I quit my job. I left the apartment that I was living in. I put what I’d got into storage, put the rest, a six by 10 foot locker, and I packed the rest into a suitcase, and in that suitcase were some of her ashes in a Ziploc bag And I flew away. I went to Europe. I had, one destination. I was gonna go off to Mallorca. I’d met a woman in my Zumba class who had this place in this tiny village in Mallorca, and she said, “Yeah, you can rent it from me.” And she go- And it was perfect because it was really rustic. Bathroom was outside, no washer, no dryer, no heating, nothing comfortable and cozy. And you had m- hand washing the s- you know, all the dishes, washing the clothes outside in this old sink. I mean, it was ancient. And I thought, “This is perfect,” ’cause I want something that’s so simple, and basic, and challenging, ’cause I wanted to be brought back into a very raw state, much like my daughter had to be in the final days, and hours, and minutes of her life. It was the only way I could sort of justify that experience, was being really brought back to almost, well, as, as basic an existence as I could get. So anyway, I was there for a couple of months, and after that… i’d registered to be a house sitter before I’d left Canada. And I thought, “Well, I don’t know where I’m gonna go now.” And I, uh, I ended up getting a house sit in Bunbury, in Western Australia. And I have a friend who lives in Perth. I phoned her and I said, “Could I…” Yeah, she picked up on the first ring and I said, “Hey, I’ve got this opportunity to come to Bunbury to house sit.” “Yeah, get on the plane. I’ll c- come and…” “… I’ll pick you up at the airport.” So I flew, you know, other side of the world, and then I was in Australia here for a while. After that I went, visited a friend from Melbourne. I went to India because I really needed to leave those ashes at the Taj Mahal, based on this book, Unforgettable Places to See Before You Die. Then I had a house sit in Tasmania, which was amazing. And everything turned around for me in Tasmania. I was probably seven months into my trip then And what I realized when I was writing my book was that the homes I was staying in felt like a mirror to my grief. When I was in Mallorca, the house was cold and dark. I mean, it was lovely outside. It was Mallorca. But I’m in this house, and I feel quite trapped. When I was in Tasmania, I’m on the, I’m in this house on a hill, and it’s got two, three walls of floor-to-ceiling windows. The closest house was probably a kilometer away from me. I could see the Ben Lomond mountains. I had this beautiful meandering river sort of at the bottom of this hill where I was. There were cattle, there were sheep, there were huge clouds that cast shadows all over the fields, and it was awesome. And my heart felt so expansive when I was there, and that’s the first time I felt joy, and I thought, “Joy is possible in the world of grief. Claim it.” And that’s probably the biggest line from my book. Yeah. “Joy is possible in the world of grief.” And to have even had that thought was so radical. The other thing I realized when I was writing the book was when I left her ashes everywhere I went, ’cause I did want to leave her everywhere I went, and sometimes I didn’t like a place very much, I didn’t leave m- much. But if I really liked a place, I left quite a few as a way to sort of, um, show my appreciation for it. But what I realized when I was writing the book is this became a ritual, and rituals by their very nature help bring order back into our lives. And I hadn’t, I’d never thought of it as that before, but that’s what it became. And I realized that all that time, 26 months, together- I was finding homes for her in the world, and I was finding homes for myself at the same time, which was a beautiful revelation. So yeah, I, I just kept leaving her ashes here, there and everywhere. Always took a photograph of where I left her ashes. Obviously, you’re looking for places that are quiet. Uh, because you’re doing a little goodbye. You’re doing goodbye. Your heart’s like in your throat. It got… I’m not gonna say easier, but it did get easier. I can’t think of a better… But to start with, it was just horrendous. And then it became, yeah, it was just so, it was so scary, and I was so nervous. You’re really worried about if somebody’s gonna see you, somebody might, “What are you doing?” Or something like that. ‘Cause I didn’t have a death certificate. I thought, I’m not traveling with a death certificate. My daughter’s not died. We’re not gonna be doing… All this denial, like, you know. Yeah. So I had to be very careful. There was never ashes in my handbag in this little jar, ’cause my book’s called The Suitcase in the Jar. ‘Cause I would fill up this little jar with her ashes, keep it in my handbag. And then if I was ever somewhere, I had this tiny little jar, and then leave some of her ashes, and then I’d come back home and, and fill the jar back up. Were you ever questioned about your jar of ashes? No, I didn’t tell anybody. No, no. Nobody stopped you at a border or anything? Well, you know what? And here’s… Well, I’m gonna say it’s a funny story. It’s actually quite sad. I was in Melbourne, and I was flying back from Melbourne, from Melbourne back to Manchester in England. And I’m at Melbourne Airport, and I look in my handbag, and there’s the jar with some of the ashes in, and I’ve checked my suitcase in. Oh. Well, I tell you, I was… I, I, I just didn’t know what to do. It had always been such a special occasion, and I’d really made it so beautiful. I’d talk to her and, you know, we were always in nature somewhere. Yeah. And now I had some of the ash. Well, I mean, you know, security in Australia. Yes. I thought about flushing it down the toilet. I thought about putting it in the r- And it was awful, Toni. That was the only time. And then in the end, did I… I, It was, oh, I don’t know. It’s gonna be heartbreaking for me to even tell you this. I don’t know if you want me to tell you, but I, I ended up going outside on a deck. There was sort of this deck somewhere, like where smokers go. Yeah. I put some of the ashes down on this concrete deck thing, and then I, I squished my boot over those ashes like I was putting out a cigarette. And I thought, “This is so bad. This is so awful,” but I could not risk… I, I, it was limited choices. That’s a story in my book too, but, that was really, really… I couldn’t believe I, I did that, but- Yeah … but you know, there was another time, um, when I was writing the book, I only realized this then, was there was a period of time after about a year, could have even been more like a year and a half, I started to leave her ashes in places of the decomposition. Like I left her once in an old like cedar pile of wood chips. It smelled lovely, and obviously somebody was gonna put the wood chips on their lawn. I left her in a log stump, and I pushed her ashes inside the lines of a log stump. Um, yeah, I just noticed I started to leave her in old places and decomposing places. Hmm. And it wasn’t until I wrote the book when I noticed, ’cause I had index cards- Yeah … every single place I left her, who, what, when, where, why, how, and all what was going, that’s sort of the base one I’m writing. And all these happened around the same time, and I thought, “This is what’s happening to me.” I’m also coming apart, letting myself completely be undone by all of this. And it was like I was remaking myself. And I hadn’t seen that while I was doing it. Interesting. But when I saw it all in there, yeah, for a few months, that was what was happening. Yeah. And- Did, did you count how many places you- Yeah. You know what? … left her? I didn’t really. I’m guessing there were… I think in my book I say at least 50. Yeah. But, you know, I’m sure I missed the odd place, or I deleted a photo somewhere of something. Um, but I remember them. I mean, we could, I could, if, if I, you know, I remember them like it was yesterday. So you said that you talked to her. Did you talk to her all the time through the whole journey, or just when you were leaving her ashes? Just when I was leaving her ashes. Just when you were leaving her ashes. Because I would almost always cry, and it was very, very hard to talk to her. , But I wanted to tell her where she was, so I could sort of describe it, right? Like, like she could hear or something. I don’t know. It was very, very important that I, that I talked to her. Did she- It felt wrong if it was too quick- Yeah … or it was, you know. It, it really was an experience of very much honoring her life and our relationship. Yeah. Yeah. Did she talk back to you ever? Good question. Um- I don’t know. I can’t put words in her mouth. There were some places where I thought she might be saying to me, “Gee, for God’s sake, Mom, what are you doing leaving me here?” Or, or, , I don’t know. Yeah, I guess I’ve got to just go with this. Um, but there were some times that, uh, I’m sure she would’ve had something to say. But no, I didn’t… It wasn’t she was talking back to me. But I– Yeah, that’s a good question. I think it took all my strength just to, just to talk to her and leave her. And then al- always I would need a time to just rest after that. Ah. I would just have to be calm. You can’t just get up and walk away. No. So it was a 26-month j- journey of doing this? Yeah. Yeah. How were you feeling at the beginning, and how were you feeling at the end? Well, interesting, ’cause at the end I realized, the end of my 26 months, I realized I’ve not left her ashes anywhere for the last few months. Ah. I know. Ah. And I thought, “Oh, isn’t this interesting?” I’ve not felt the need. I’ve not found the place or something. So this beautiful organic journey sort of came to its own close. Mm. And then I think I realized, so what are you doing now? Why are you even on this journey? W- And actually, you know, and people called me courageous for leaving like I did. Honestly, stopping was more courage- took more courage. Ah. Do you still have ashes left? I do actually, yeah. Yes. And you know what? After, after I wrote the book, I think even… No, after I wrote the book, I did sometimes travel with some of her ashes. Um, they’re not in the book or anything. , And that was lovely. And I’ve got… I know all those places too, maybe five or six. Some of them I did with somebody else, um, and that was nice. , But now I don’t think about it. Now I don’t ever take her anywhere. Uh, I’m not… Well, mostly because I only travel with carry-on luggage, and I would never… I couldn’t. You can’t possibly do that. You know, you can’t be taking ashes in carry-on luggage. It would, it would be just terrible if somebody found them. So no, Yeah, and confiscated them. Wow. And confiscated. I mean, that’s- Terrible … , terrible. I mean, I, it, that would just be heartbreaking, so yeah. So did you have her in, what? Ziploc bags in your suitcase? Yeah, I had a Ziploc bag, and then I had this Ziploc bag inside an old sort of makeup bag that was all crinkled and plastic in- inside. It had a little zipper, and then it had a popper, and then it just looked like a makeup bag in, in my, my suitcase. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds like an incredibly beautiful way to heal and to honor your daughter. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It really, it really was, and I think the writing of the book really helped me crysta- crystallize what the whole thing’s about. And, and it occurred to me, you know, when I was writing, that even writing and grief and travel, there’s so many overlaps. Because when you write, you edit all the time. You’re always having to edit things out. You’re always letting go, and grief is all about letting go, and I literally had to let go. I had to let go of the whole story of my life. W- who am I now? I’m no longer a teacher. I’m no longer a mother of two daughters. So it was… And this is what happens, right? During transitions, we have to let go of old selves, and we’ve got to reauthorize a new story. Otherwise, we stay stuck. Yeah. The new story. Yeah. And I think that’s why it’s so important for us to move our bodies physically and travel, obviously. You know I’m a big advocate for it now, right? Um- Yes. … we have to move our bodies and see things in a whole new light.